 Waiting for Sumthin....
Did you ever have the feeling that you were just waiting around for something... even though you were doing everything in your power to make it happen? I don't even know what it is that I'm waiting for. But I feel like there's something that is going to happen... something that is big-- the type of thing that you can feel in your bones and deep down into your soul. It's like a blank page in a book that should contain the ending, but was left conspicuously blank.
That's how I feel right now. I feel crowded and like there's more to do and so little time to do it in. I feel like my work needs to be finished before there's no more time to do it. What hurts the worst about this feeling is that I haven't gotten to where I want to be. The timeframe that I feel it has to be done in isn't nearly enough time to get done what I want to. Multiplied by 10, I still don't have enough time.
Perhaps this is a burden that we all face but don't talk about. Do we all hear that little voice inside that pushes us to go a bit farther, stay up a bit later, work a little faster and enjoy things a bit less? Do some of us go blissfully unaware of the voice and drone through our existance?
I'm sure some of you are wondering why all of a sudden I've decided to talk about it. Break the code of silence. Make you aware of that voice. Some of you are probably already thinking that I'm going to start a ministry right here and now. Don't worry... I'm not. But there is a reason why I bring it up.
I've had the voice for a long time. I chose to ignore it. I drank it under, I robbed and plundered it under, I banged it furiously under, I slept it under. And now here I am at 33 years old and now the voice has decided that I can't fight it anymore.
A couple weeks ago, I had many phone calls and visits from friends that now live afar. Not that far, but the closest one is 4 hours. I had a great time. The whole time I was with them the voice was screaming at me. I talked fast. I talked loud. I was both exactly what they expected and I was also someone else all at the same time. They didn't say that, but I could feel it. I wondered what was causing it. At the time I didn't know.
I'm no closer to figuring out what it is that is bothering me so much. I talk about this "voice". It's not a voice. Well... it is. It's MY voice. That voice in your head that's YOUR OWN voice that says "I need to pick up my dry cleaning," or, "I need a vacation." But my voice is triggered by the feeling that I'm waiting for something. I keep copious notes about the things that I need to get accomplished for the day, for the week, for the month. Not goals, really... just tasks. I internalize my goals-- I don't need lists for those.
None of these lists contain the thing that I'm waiting for. At the end of the day when everything is marked off of the list, I still feel like I'm forgetting something. I don't feel dread.. like the world will end suddenly. I don't feel elation.. as though I were preparing for a journey to some great destination. It's just a pulling.... and "you're not done yet" kind of feeling.
As usual, I didn't intend to come here and make a long entry. If you're reading, you're probably just a close friend that reads out of simple obligation. You see me come here once a month or once every two months and ramble on about something or other.... and if I'd just make what I had to say a bit smaller, I might post more often.
Hey. We all want what we want. And when I have something to say, I don't feel better until I get it off of my chest-- however vague and meaningless. When you're done with this, you're going to think I'm crazy. I haven't said much of anything, drawn any conclusions or created a plan to come to any conclusions. But that's me. I do what I do and sometimes it makes sense. Sometimes it doesn't. So far, it's worked out just fine.
Maybe that's it. Perhaps if there's fate, I'm not working according to the plan of that fate. Perhaps that "voice" or "feeling" that I have is telling me what I'm supposed to do based on the fate written for me.... and I ignore it. Perhaps I've grown beyond what fate is supposed to be and have started writing my own story... and the price I have to pay is that I'll feel like I'm waiting for something for the rest of my life. But, as long as I get to write my own story, I'll deal with that.
However, I don't believe in fate. I believe that we make choices and microchoices each and every day that, like the wings of a butterfly, affect everything around us. They affect those close to us more than anything. We make choices that each and every second define the direction that our friends and co-workers take-- forever. Do we pick up the cup and take a sip now, or later? What does that decision do to influence the decisions of others around me? Will it make a difference?
What I do now, today, will affect those around me and change their course in history forever. Once their choices have affected others, the others will go on their new course and make changes that affect others... and so on. So how can fate possibly ever stand in control? If I deviate from that fate even for a second, the fates of others are changed.
Saying that, the fate people say "Oh, but you didn't deviate... it was WRITTEN." Bah. One time, a long time ago-- when I was much younger.... very young... I worked for a screen printing company... I screen printed sunglasses. I was 14 years old.. maybe younger... and worked for a friend. I was to screen print the glasses and put them into a box. Another person was screen printing another order and putting them into another box. We had somewhat of a conversation about this same thing. The fate of a SINGLE pair of sunglasses kept the whole world in balance. Had someone else been working that day, a pair of sunglasses would have been in its own box. But on THAT day, a pair of the sunglasses that I made went into the wrong box. I had changed history forever.
The universe is most infinite. Most of us can never grasp the concept of infinite. With that amount of infinity (which you can't measure)... how can one person or a group of people or a single being contemplate and plot the course of each individual, every molecule, every atom, every sub-particle? It's impractical, at best.
So (in a very roundabout way) we're back to the "voice". Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for? Or have I deviated from the course that was laid out for me-- way back when I put that pair of sunglasses in the wrong box?
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